240.000 extra marshalls in USA general aviation

[Cees Binkhorst]

REPLY TO: D66 at nic.surfnet.nl

The world still reels from the shock of Texas pilot Joseph Stack flying
his Piper Cherokee into a Federal office building in Austin. The man’s
grudge against the IRS ended in a fiery suicide attack. The Federal
government has scrambled to react to this homegrown tragedy which some
consider a domestic terrorist act. The Transportation Security
Administration (TSA) is currently without a leader so Janet Napolitano,
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, has stepped into the
breach. “This is Nine-Eleven all over again except the terrorist had
lighter skin and no accent”, she said. “I told you this was going to
happen. The Obama Administration gave business and general aviation one
chance too many.”

Napolitano continued, “I am pleased to announce today the formation of
the Total Air Marshal Program (TAMP). There are 240,000 active general
aviation aircraft in the United States and an Air Marshal will be
assigned to each aircraft. With over 600,000 active certificated pilots
in the United States we can’t have an Air Marshal for every pilot – but
we can have one for every plane.”

At this morning’s press conference she turned to Rahm Emmanuel, White
House Chief of Staff, who said, “We are pleased with this rapid reaction
to a domestic terrorist threat. We can’t let some retard in a bug
smasher hold up tax collections in Texas. President Obama considers this
an example of his dynamic and flexible Stimulus Package. Now there is a
demand for 240,000 new jobs that weren’t there yesterday. Hotels and
restaurants around the country will benefit from the Air Marshal’s
spending.”

Emmanuel added with emphasis, “This should also make the Second
Amendment folks happy as the Government is going to purchase a quarter
million handguns. Nine millimeter is the preferred caliber as it will
minimize collateral damage to pressurized aircraft.”
Next Randy Babbitt, Administrator of the Federal Aviation Administration
(FAA), took the microphone, “We realize that some will consider this an
inconvenience and overreaction. In order to ease the application of this
rule we made several important changes to the Federal Air Regulations
(FARs). No longer will there be a limit on the number of crew or
passengers in one seat belt at a time – independent of age and weight.
Also you can expect a new set of pages for your Pilots Operating
Handbook (POH). Depending on runway length and density altitude, pilots
need not consider the addition weight of the Air Marshal and their
luggage. In other words aircraft owners can add about 250 pounds to
takeoff weight without regard to center of gravity.”

Secretary Napolitano offered concluding remarks, “We realize some will
consider this expansion of the Air Marshal program an intrusion. For
that reason the Federal government is seeking wide diversity in the Air
Marshals. For the older family-oriented flyers we will offer retired law
enforcement officials. For the younger and more adventurous we have
several possibilities. Several of Tiger Woods’ mistresses have signed up
and are in training. However we do have a shortage of gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender Air Marshals… especially the latter. I
encourage all who have an interest in joining the rapidly growing Total
Air Marshal Program for a bright future in the United States Government.”

thisisofcoursesomebodieselsesickjokegroetcees

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